There's still a little bit of your words that I long to hear.. you step a little closer to me, so close that I don't know what's going on.. You know it's going to be a bad day when you start it with tears. The first thought I had when I woke up this morning was "I'm tired of working at a call center." I am tired of where my life has found me again. I can only go so long between adventures. Well I stand at the crossroads of highroads and lowroads.. I need to find another job. I think I am going to try and see a doctor about going on stress leave. I am having massive tension headaches, losing sleep, and experiencing a good deal of depression at the fault of my job. I am depressed. I sleep all the time. On my weekends and on my days off, I sleep as much as I can, no matter what time I go to bed, I always sleep until the last minute. Because languishing in bed is easier than being awake and feeling nothing. At least when you're asleep, you dream, and when you dream, you experience emotions that you just can't otherwise feel. It's so hard to explain the feeling I am feeling right now. Washed out? Severe? Minimalized? So take me, don't leave me.. I am tired of the hunger I feel, both physically and mentally. Hungry for more to take in, more to occupy my time, more literal food. I am always hungry, in both ways, and sometimes I stuff myself and end up sick. I don't feel good on a day to day basis. This morning, I went ballistic because I needed to find a sweatshirt. I can't wear jeans and a tshirt anymore, because my fat bulges and is visible. I am obsessed with no one seeing that bulge, it's just not right. I feel like it demeans me and makes me worth less. I was so uncomfortable in my skin this morning that I burned. Also, this morning, while driving to work, I had that horrible, unpleasant and completely uncomfortable feeling that you get when you're chewing on alumnium foil with dental fillings. That shall be the name of my memoir. "Chewing On Aluminum Foil." You all know that feeling I'm talking about. The awful shivers up your spine and the frown that turns your lips down when you think about the snap and electrical buzz in your mouth. And why the hell are all these songs about love on Launchcast? Geez. Soundtrack of this entry:
Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts, emotions and opinions -- they are not intended to offend or aggress upon anyone. Likewise, though I do appreciate a constructively critical comment on occasion, I prefer non-hateful and thoughtful comments with respect to myself. I shouldn't have any problems with that though, we're all grown ups here, right? Please note that any offensive, aggressive and anonymous comments will be deleted from my comments, notes and guestbook, as I like knowing that the rest of my readership doesn't have to read that trash. Also, the HTML on this design has been designed solely by myself, Amanda Neal, and song lyrics are from the song "Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield.
Thursday, Dec. 01, 2005 ~ 2:44 p.m.
I feel like I am in a position in my life where I have no choice but to move, make a difference, do something. But I am far too terrified of movement to do anything at this time. It's not something that I can do, jump completely out of my comfort box. It's not going to happen.
Cannonball - Damien Rice
Love Will Come Through - Travis
Always Love - Nada Surf